A Cornspiracy: America's Dirty Secret

Ladies and Gents, this is the first entry in an epic saga. What will unfold you will come to know as "The Cornspiracy". This elusive vegetable has been on the forefront of American feeding for centuries. It goes by Corn, Cobb and sometimes Kernel, but don't be seduced by the down home charm of this golden goddess, she's a killer. She wakes you up gently with a bowl of cereal, maybe with some creamer in your coffee. At lunch she slides out of a ketchup bottle onto a sandwich that's been in her back pocket for years. Whatever you have to drink will reek of her nectar. God help you at dinner time. Below is a testimony given by a man in the throws of passion with this old whore we call Cobb. Beware, what you read may disturb you.


nick:  guess what im eating right now

 me:  something with ranch

 nick:  corn

 me:  theres corn in ranch

 nick:  yeah thats why its good

but we are talking kernel here

fresh off the cobb

ya follow

 me:  hahaha

the timer enters the subject

 nick:  my body will collapse if it doesnt get its daily dose of the miracle vegetable

 nick:  the people around me find it so strange

 nick:  when at the salad bar

i ask for more corn

me:  please tell me why corn is important to you

 nick:  feces.

that was the initial feeling

but after further investigation

i find it truly a remarkable vegetable

a legacy

sustained entire civilizations

i just respect it

me:  would you say you are dependent

 nick:  by choice

i try and eat corn 3-4 times a week

in the kernel form

of course

 me:  you like cobb

 nick:  i prefer a fresh cobb

but i dabble in canned corn

and maybe a chowder here or there

i like it in a salad

too

thats where my primary corn ingestion comes from

me:  any final words about kernel

 nick:  how about a threat?

if you fuck with corn

ill collect your fucking head

is this going on your blog or something?

 

Harmless Cobb? I don't think so.

 

  Fact: corn chowder ruins lives.