1.22.2010

A Cornspiracy: America's Dirty Secret

Ladies and Gents, this is the first entry in an epic saga. What will unfold you will come to know as "The Cornspiracy". This elusive vegetable has been on the forefront of American feeding for centuries. It goes by Corn, Cobb and sometimes Kernel, but don't be seduced by the down home charm of this golden goddess, she's a killer. She wakes you up gently with a bowl of cereal, maybe with some creamer in your coffee. At lunch she slides out of a ketchup bottle onto a sandwich that's been in her back pocket for years. Whatever you have to drink will reek of her nectar. God help you at dinner time. Below is a testimony given by a man in the throws of passion with this old whore we call Cobb. Beware, what you read may disturb you.


nick:  guess what im eating right now
 me:  something with ranch
 nick:  corn
 me:  theres corn in ranch
 nick:  yeah thats why its good
but we are talking kernel here
fresh off the cobb
ya follow
 me:  hahaha
the timer enters the subject
 nick:  my body will collapse if it doesnt get its daily dose of the miracle vegetable
 nick:  the people around me find it so strange
 nick:  when at the salad bar
i ask for more corn
me:  please tell me why corn is important to you
 nick:  feces.
that was the initial feeling
but after further investigation
i find it truly a remarkable vegetable
a legacy
sustained entire civilizations
i just respect it
me:  would you say you are dependent
 nick:  by choice
i try and eat corn 3-4 times a week
in the kernel form
of course
 me:  you like cobb
 nick:  i prefer a fresh cobb
but i dabble in canned corn
and maybe a chowder here or there
i like it in a salad
too
thats where my primary corn ingestion comes from
me:  any final words about kernel
 nick:  how about a threat?
if you fuck with corn
ill collect your fucking head
is this going on your blog or something?
 
Harmless Cobb? I don't think so.

 

  Fact: corn chowder ruins lives.

 

3 comments:

The Kinch said...

you cant win zack. this war was over before you even got your filthy paws on that anti-corn propaganda leaflet "omnivore's dilema". suck a cobb like a good boy--drink the syrup from natures teet....sleep now shhhhhhhhh sleep now......

Zack said...

the war has just begun

Nicole said...

I'm with Zack. It's creepy how ground up corn molecules are in everything, including our bread. Bread!

And yes, I love The Omnivore's Dilemma.